“We often spend so much time, effort and money trying to find external solutions while overlooking the internal most effective solutions” — Cinthia Bridges
Like so many things in life, we know, at least in retrospect, what is the right thing to do when faced with a tough, heated situation. Maya Angelou’s words “people…….never forget how you made them feel.” ring so true.
Life is defined by a series of events — capsules of moments and how we react in those moments, especially the tough moments, shape the course of our history.
Do we do the right thing in those moments? Before answering that, let us frame a scenario.
What happens in a stressful meeting?
Let us look at it like an engineer and have fun with it.
Analytically speaking, there are very few pathways to the brain from the outside that can help calm it. Let us explore each one of the senses.
In those trying moments, we do not like what we see, we are pained by what we hear, where we sit is a lifeless chair which does not bring the social touch we yearn for. If we had the chance to taste and chew food that is comfortingly tasty, it has long term collateral damage on health.
Unleashing the sharpest sword of self-defense, words, is a sure-fire safety valve release- timely in the short run, self-inflicting in the long run. Possibly regret was invented as a word, after those moments.
So, what are we left with in these uncomfortable moments? Air — the invisible medium that is all pervasive and free to take in, that too unlimited amount. Nature’s way of giving- enhanced value for us relative to the cost for nature.
Per scientific research, deep breath is a panacea to the mind. It is ours for taking. Yet , we (most of us) forget. That is one of life’s biggest irony. During our moment of truth, why do we not lean in to soak in the air? Here is our evolution story.
Why do we fail to take a deep breath, when it matters?
“We’ve gone from being exposed to about 500 ads a day back in the 1970s to as many as 5,000 a day today.”- according to Jay Walker-Smith, Yankelovich Consumer Research. The stimulation overload can take an unconscious toll on a mind whose evolution pace is monumentally slow relative to the technological leap frogging of today. There is no distinction yet between the threat of facing a tiger in a forest and 21st century stress. As a result, we naturally breathe fast not deep in our most vulnerable moment — moments when more adrenaline runs through our system.
The hardest part of EQ: Self Awareness
The words, Emotional Intelligence invokes images of empathetic, considerate people interacting with others’ — completely attuned to others feelings. That is just part of the story. There is a much harder part within the science of emotional intelligence and it has everything to do with self and nothing to do with others — self awareness of one’s own emotions. With our pace of daily life- it is already difficult to assimilate what we visually see and hear. Being consciously aware of something that is instinctive (breathing) is tough. More so, when emotions are all internal and not physically in front of us. What is a practical solution that can trigger the self awareness that emotions are building up internally? For me, I thank the imagination of a movie director, a doyen of Tamil Cinema. Here is the backdrop.
How can we express the roller coaster of feelings that the mind goes through visually? In the mid 80’s, an image captured the gyrations of the mind beautifully. It was in a south Indian Tamil movie — a minor character found it hard to keep secrets — the director’s visual was that the actor’s face expanded as time flowed. Just like the crazy mirrors in the children’s museum that distorted our faces into funny faces. Except in this case, the face was constantly expanding with time, like blowing air into a crushed brown paper lunch bag. The actor’s face could revert to normal shape when he could unburden himself of the secret. I am predominantly a visual learner — that image stuck with me for the sheer clarity of expressing the internal turmoil of the mind, for my eyes to see.
We live in a world full of beautiful things. The ability to breathe, the ability to walk away and more importantly the ability to be more self-aware during the moments of calling would be a nirvana, that all of us can espouse.
How can we make it happen to bring success in leadership, careers or life in general?
Here is my side of the story. On days when my wife senses that I have a tough meeting, as I am sharing my morning goodbye and ready to walk to the car, she says -“Remember to breathe deep.”
Later in the day, when those words echo in the meeting, the expanding “brown lunch bag” image comes to mind. I mentally overlay that image on the face in front of me. I chuckle. A chuckle that brings the deep breath to the forefront — Nobody pins me down for emotional words I chose not to say.
May your best laid plans lead you to happiness in life.
Breathe, Just Breathe.